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I Lost Myself

by The Bedroomer

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1.
Winter, winter, a splinter on my finger I wouldn't think too much about it I just wanted to see you, Wanted to hear you speak You didn't have a reason to doubt it I'm just here in the city, Wondering what's wrong with me I know everything is complicated You really love him I just wanted some company You know it wasn't overstated The life that we traded While I struggled to set my heart free And I know you said this is all just in my head Then why are you Stuck again Like a splinter on my finger?
2.
Potential 03:32
If I didn’t waste an hour Wore summer on my skin If I started counting flowers If I didn’t look so thin I’m thinking that all my potential is wasted again If I learned to put my phone down If I practiced every day If I had never left my hometown Said the things I want to say It feels like that all my potential is rotting away It’s hard to find my way If I don’t have a reason I’m idle everyday, I blame it on the season My mood is turning grey The world is turning pages They said that I would be a story for the ages If they see what I’m meant to be If they see capability If I can see all the things they see I can be what I’m meant to be I'll promise that no more potential is wasted on me
3.
Carrier 04:00
Randy’s house We’re late to watch the super bowl Staring out again Have soccer in the morning Six years old Drop my cat off in a carrier I don’t see him again I think one day I’ll make a new friend On warm days A darkness I understand it now Sun is out A phone rings loud on a Saturday Mom is sick again My best friend is in a carrier 1am I do my best not to think of it There’s nothing stopping him I see a shadow in the doorway It needs me I don’t want it I feel it coming now
4.
Zero Angel 01:52
5.
When the dawn breaks I am reminded all I have to lose I wake to feel the winter and I’m ushered to remember how I watched you crawl up to my toes Did Auld Lang Syne assign a sign? I know you felt it too Get up get out don’t waste a sound. And look for something to help me make it through. Then years go by and I found myself a friend Agreed that you and I could never speak again Pulled out like your car from my driveway Drive by that house it’s only just a block away Back down cause no one’s coming to save me It’s a cold day now, blood is freezing, My face looks like it’s up in flames You’re there, I see, I know you, you’re me The thought sinks into my brain Sulking out, land a kiss, back to your place Now you’re the one to bear my pain Then years go by and i see she found a friend I dream it off and on again it hurts like hell Washed out by a sound from the hallway Believe one morning everything will re-align My body a vessel for someday A day will come when I can only compensate Now I’m looking for a bridge, flipped a switch I lost myself I saved myself I’m the only one I Looking for a bridge, flipped a switch I lost myself I saved myself I’m the only one I Looking for a bridge, flipped a switch I lost myself I saved myself I’m the only one I Looking for a bridge, flipped a switch I lost myself I saved myself You're the only one I need
6.
Promenade 01:36
Promenade What I mess I've made Two birds One Stone I will leave you alone
7.
Lizard 02:44
I’m not embarrassed to say that it’s nice to be held And watch the colors above my head Prepared to leave I kiss a pattern on her shoulder Tell her things I’d like to hear instead I’m feeling pretty good But I’m certainly out of my ability to feign a certain certainty I cry She asks me if I love her Well it’s easier to show it So I turn around and hug her Now I’m driving away Have to turn the music off Scraping thoughts across the countryside They last until I’m in my driveway Now I'm sweating through my shirt in Lawrence, Kansas Where I’m from I like it here See my mom and see my dad Don’t unpack, I’ll get too sad Feeling different now Feeling old Too old for this I see a lizard on the sidewalk Walk beside, it’s too hot for him, I hope he’s okay She thinks he’s cute I send a video Watch him crawl up to my toes I hope it makes her laugh I hope she’s feeling better now
8.
It’s the morning I see you breathing I forgot to move my car to the other side And I’m leaving I hold my breath till I make it to the evening I see you lookin down When I’m walking out my door I don’t wanna be without And you don’t wanna be without I’m always leaving town And I’m always wanting more I don’t wanna be without I don’t wanna see you pout Cause I love you And I want you to know it I love you But I don’t know how to show it And if I had my way You’d never see a cloudy day
9.
Arboretum 02:41
Arboretum You know what that means How much it means to me Under a Gazebo A frog pond in the starlight Something stirring in the water We joke that it’s an otter We’ve been apart now longer than we were together It’s feeling distant now Like a dream I had It shakes up my stomach to think of what we talked about The last time that we caught up at the arboretum We were talkin bout how we thought we’d feel Some years down the road Keeping to ourselves what we wouldn’t feel You’re laughing on a pair of shoulders You look so much older I’m feeling good now, I don’t know how I thought I’d dreamt my life away He looks really nice, like a gentleman Yeah she’s really nice, I hold her hand
10.
A whisper from that lonely secret creeping through the floor The happiest I’ve ever felt is locked behind a door Little wooden chairs and tables beckoning for more I know I’ve been here years ago I’ve seen this place before I don’t want to think of it anymore Why’s it always such a god damn chore? I can’t bear to open up that door A message from myself is waiting far beyond the stars He hums a little melody and plays with his toy cars A memory he’s hardly felt, an echo from afar And falling from the darkened sky he hands me his guitar I don’t want to think of it anymore Why am I always such a fucking bore? I can’t bear to open up that door It’s happening right now, it’s sucking life up from the air All of time resides within this room under the stairs Existing only in my sleep, but feels more real than real And I can’t seem to shake that haunted way it made me feel
11.
Penultimate 03:03
My tether broke long ago I don’t know what it means to be grounded Threw some bullshit together Forgot about the weather Cause I liked how it sounded Got my toes on the edge I’m looking down into nothing Will you look me in the eyes? I’m still searching for something I’m at that part in my life where I can’t let it linger But you’re forcing my hand And it’s breaking every finger I tried to underestimate myself Be pleasantly surprised And I wasn’t Cause I am too young to die and I feel too old to quit I’ll give up another time And call this one penultimate I’ve said this a thousand times But do I mean it? I’ll let it go and stare at colors on the ceiling Yes sir I will bet on another time for me Although I’m running out of change And now it’s catching up with me And then I’m Kicked to the curb again A door is in my face again I don’t know how to stay realistic It’s nothing personal they say I thought I’d be an exception Just say fuck you and go But I won’t change my direction because I am too young to die and I feel too old to quit I’ll give up another time And call this one penultimate I’ve said this a thousand times But do I mean it? Will I feel good? Am I conceited? I don’t give a fuck
12.
First Grade 02:52

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released February 14, 2021

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The Bedroomer Brooklyn, New York

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